


Now HERE'S a READ! (From Elendraug's "Davekat Mad Libs")

by requiescatinpace



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crack, Ear Fucking, Leg fucking, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-31
Updated: 2016-07-31
Packaged: 2018-07-28 11:39:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7638769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/requiescatinpace/pseuds/requiescatinpace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just some good sh%t, in my humble f*&king opinion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Now HERE'S a READ! (From Elendraug's "Davekat Mad Libs")

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Elendraug](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elendraug/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Davekat Mad Libs](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7638097) by [Elendraug](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elendraug/pseuds/Elendraug). 



Dave and Karkat felt bad. They had just finished fucking at their favorite nice McDonalds, and were on their way home. They couldn’t wait to get back to their dome so they could tap each other. It was the only way they could ever feel content with their meaningless existences.

“Great job, fuckass!” Karkat said, heartfully. “I really fuck the way you grinded that nun at the McDonald's.”

“It was no sweat,” Dave said, proudly. “That’s just part of being a Strider. I’m simply the best there is at fucking.”

Karkat admired Dave's stoicism, the way he didn't ever look Karkat in the eyes, ever. Looking over, Karkat found more things attractive in the way Dave looked like he didn't know Karkat was even there than he did in Troll Will Smith. For the rest of the ride, they were quiet. Karkat took in the ambience of their surroundings, soon drowning them out in favor of thinking about Dave's hard cock in his ear. They got home soon enough. 

Karkat slipped off his shoes at the door and Dave followed suit. Then they, you know, made their way to the bedroom, I guess. Not even getting any water. Not even taking a piss. Not even washing their hands. “Now that we’re home, let’s grind on each other.”

cool  
  
FIRST, HOWEVER, WE HAVE TO GET INTO AN ARGUMENT.  


Karkat shook his head as he realized they were speaking in text-dialogue form, but verbally. Like what the fuck, how. “We are both terrible at Klingon romance, having based all our notions of friendship on shitty movies and vaporwave songs.”

“That’s true,” agreed Dave. “Which quadrant were we, again?”

“As we’ve gone over many times, Dave,” Karkat said, tastefully, “we’re obviously in the--”

Suddenly, his sentence was drowned out by loud clanking from outside their bedroom.

“Oh, right. Sorry I forgot,” Dave said.

“Nothing else matters, because we zesty each other. Now get over here and fuck me.” Karkat snapped his legs open.

“Chill.”

Dave walked over to Karkat and began to fuck his legs. Karkat made alien noises that sounded like a dog fucking.

“Dave, where the fuck did you learn to fuck like that!” Karkat shouted at the top of his arms.

“Probably at the FBI back in Texas,” Dave said.

Karkat lifted his alien dick and jizzed Dave on the eyes. Dave screamed. “Keep it up, Stridork,” he said, motivationally.

“I will keep my dick up, just for you,” Dave assured him, wincing and wiping away the GENETIC MATERIAL. “Just like the price of oil.”

“Sexy,” Karkat said. “I love discussing oil while I’m getting leg-fucked.”

“Glad I can deliver,” Dave said, “just like UPS.”

“Dave, don’t stop making jokes about complicated shipping logistics. That is the bestest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

“Expedited mail, will arrive in two to three business days,” said Dave.

“I hope your mail speed isn’t too slow,” Karkat said.

“Dude, don’t become aware of the narrative we inhabit,” Dave cautioned. “That would be fucked."

“Yeah that’s true,” screamed Karkat.

“So are you still wanting to fight?” Dave asked, ... (sighs, fuck off, Elendraug,) SUGOILY.

“Hell fucking yes,” bellowed Karkat, like a busdriver driving.

“Wicked,” said Dave.

Dave took off his shoes and took out his toes. It was at least a 6 in Women's long and as thick as a wheel of hardened cow juice. Karkat gasped. Human anatomy was perfection.

“Yeah, that’s the reaction I usually get,” David Elizabeth Strider said. “It’s like trying to describe Macklemore’s beats to someone who doesn’t understand electronic innovation.”

“Dave-sama, I’m begging you, hurry up and pound my ears with your crunchy drumsticks.”

“Okay,” Dave said.

Karkat leaned their headboard and waited for Dave to come closer. Dave stood between Karkat’s legs and looked him in the dick, lovingly.

“Do you need any stretching before we do this?” he asked.

“No, Dave, I’m as nimble as the Bubonic Plague (the Black Death) in Europe from Central Asia in the 14th century resulting in the death of up to 60% (200 million) of the population and recurring until the 18th century. Stop teasing me.”

“Well, then,” Dave crooned. “Get ready for an experience that hasn’t been this hardcore since Alf introduced us to the mere concept of Olive Garden.”

“Dave, you know just what to say,” Karkat moaned.

“I’m getting help from Modi, actually,” he admitted.

Karkat scowled because he is always angry. “Dave, weren’t you just saying we shouldn’t make jokes that break the fourth wall?”

Dave shrugged.

“All I’m saying is, try not to behave like Ron Taylor.”

“I still have a huge crush on Ron Taylor.”

Karkat rolled his eyes because he consistently expresses displeasure during conversations with Dave. “That’s because you’re crunchy, you crunchy bulger.”

“Touché.”

“Are you ready yet, my frustrated Big Bird?” Dave asked ironically.

“I’ve been ready ever since we catapulted into this timeline,” Karkat roared.

“Hold your HORSES, Britney Spears, I’m working on it.”

Dave put his toes into Karkat’s ample ear holes.

“Uh, oh god!” Karkat wailed. “That feels so fucking weird, stop! I mean, no, keep going!”

“I am the mailman,” Dave groaned. “It’s me. Oh, fuck, it's me, babe.”

“You have so many letters in the mail receptacle, ugh, oh god, fuck!” Karkat howled.

“All of the letters, all of them,” Dave growled.

“Penetrate me, Dave, penetrate me until I get an ear infection or something!” Karkat clamored.

“I will clean your ears you so hard that it’ll make Jerry look like Guy Fieri.”

“What?” Karkat barked.

“Nothing,” Dave said, slacking on the ear/toe fucking a bit. “That one didn’t make sense.”

“Something’s weird about our repartee today,” Karkat yelled.

“Yeah,” Dave agreed. “It’s like an episode of Mr. Pickle or something. God, that show sucks. It really fucking sucks, god it sucks SO much. Whatever.”

Then Dave used his toes to penetrate Karkat’s ears so expertly, that Karkat immediately sneezes. Dave then also jizzed because we don’t have time to dwell on this.

“Fuck, Dave, you seagul-dad-fucking fucker. You clean ears like a Cetus.”

“I clean ears like Yaldabaoth, actually,” Dave corrected.

“Oh,” Karkat shrieked. “My bad.”

They fell asleep looking each other in the legs, disdainfully.

⛔

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. You suck. (Again, this is from a mad libs by someone else, I only filled some areas out.)


End file.
